From Lefse to Lutefisk to Matzo and Challah... and beyond: Iowa Culture

I'm getting anxious to go to Iowa for Christmas. While roaming around in my writing files late last night, I found this. "I come from a meat and potatoes family. Sunday dinners of fall-apart braised roast beef and mashed potatoes. Like my grandpa and my granddad, I ate my potatoes yellow with butter and heavily dotted with pepper. Mom's home canned green beans, frozen corn, and baked squash rounded out the dinner. Plus sliced, white, buttered bread.

In fact, I come from a meat and potatoes state. Over 20 years ago, while driving home from Luther College one Sunday morning in the fall, my ’68 Ford LTD broke down on the hills south of Decorah, Iowa. Through the rear-view window, I could see steam rolling out the back of the car. The car cost me $200; I had paid more for my first camera. Within minutes a young farmer pulled up behind me. He knew a mechanic that might be willing to come out on a Sunday to tow the car in and fix it for me. The mechanic came and loaded up my car; the farmer offered to take me to his house where I could wait with his wife while my car was fixed, so I hopped into his pick-up truck.

A whiff of Sunday dinner hit me when he opened the door to his house. His wife was pregnant with their first child. Dinner was ready and pleasant words to the effect of “you might as well eat with us” were spoken in the Iowan farmer way and were followed by grace. And fall-apart braised roast beef and mashed potatoes. How ironic that this couple had the same Sunday dinner as my family! Two hours later, the young farmer gave me a ride to the shop, and I was back on the road.

At Luther College, I was surrounded by blondes with blue eyes. The student population was largely Lutheran and of Scandinavian decent. I hopped in whole-heartedly and ate up this beautiful culture. During the holidays, I added a Norwegian tradition to our family’s Christmas. I boiled potatoes not for dinner but rather to mash with flour, sugar, a little salt and a splash of cream. Pulling enough dough off to roll into a pastry resembling a tortilla, I dry-fried it in a cast iron skillet. When it came out, I buttered it, sprinkled sugar and cinnamon on it, and shared this amazing culinary phenomenon with my family. Lefse.

I joined in with the Norwegians as they joked about lutefisk. Though I had never seen, smelled, or touched this gelatinous dried, then soaked “delicacy.” I wasn’t even sure if it was real. My most-worn earrings in college were traditional Norwegian Solje, made of silver with plated gold dangling spoons that were meant to reflect evil from the wearer. I didn’t wear it for protection, but it was the first combination of silver and gold I wore years before that was fashionable.

Studying Judaism my junior year of college introduced me to another wonderful but truly foreign culture. The books my professor assigned brought the Jewish culture to life. In particular, I remember First Encounter by Bella Chagall, who was born to a Hasidic family in White Russia and who was the wife of the painter Marc Chagall. Through a series of short stories from a child/youth's perspective, Chagall opened up a window to her life in the early 1900's. The book's theme of family was relatable, but the celebrations and traditions of her Jewish culture were eye opening -- and beautifully foreign.

In my senior year at Luther, I traveled to London, Paris, and Amsterdam during January, Luther's "J-term." That trip confirmed it: I was a culture junkie. Seeing people born like me from a womb but through language, food, and beliefs -- life -- they were so different from me, from one another. My infatuation with different cultures was intense. As I traveled, I naively wished I had my own culture. One as vibrant as the Norwegians and the Jews.

Then I hit a wall at the age of 43 that turned my perspective upside down. In June 2009, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I would go through a year of surgeries, radiation, and chemotherapy. During that time, I made a choice not to travel – fearing germs when my immune system was weak. I wouldn’t be flying to Iowa during treatment. Not for Christmas. Not for Easter. Not until June 2010.

Through those 12 months away from Iowa, I realized that lefse and lutefisk nor matzo and challah would ever be at the core of who I was. Rather, the stoic, stubborn, practical nature of being an Iowan would give me the leverage to “do” that year. Finally, I found my cultural core, and it was well supported by Mom's braised beef and potato dinner. As my hair grew back in the spring, I realized my culture as an Iowan was one of the many across the globe, just as complex and rich."

I wish you love, peace, and joy as you celebrate this season with your family!  Many blessings to you as you enjoy your traditions and celebrate your culture!

(An aside: Mom, if you're reading... I'll be home just after Christmas; you can count on me.  Please have snow... you can skip the mistletoe, but perhaps have braised beef waiting for me!)

The Crash of the Christmas Tree: Lessons Learned

How many hump days can you have in one week?  The afternoon before last week’s hump day, this happened. I hadn’t put any hand-painted glass balls on yet. I only lost two ornaments. One was a 3D glass lace heart. 25 years old. The anger over the flipping tree going over overshadowed any soppy nostalgia over the broken glass scattered in the carpet and across the hardwood floor.

To answer a couple questions… We have no pets. No one was near the tree. Will and Liam were upstairs in their bedrooms. I was in the kitchen when I heard it go. We bought a crooked tree. The trunk was straight as an arrow in the tree stand. Last Sunday when we put it up, I did notice the top leaning a bit forward but didn’t think it was a big deal. Not big enough to send the engineer back under there. Should have sent the engineer in for a design change before it heaved over.

We got it up and after much tweaking decided that it was well and truly crooked and that the best option was to turn it so it leaned into the corner. Yes, the back of the tree become the front. The back which had been facing the window and which no one would see. Where those tacky ornaments rest, the ones I’m not quite sure of their origin, but feel the need to hang on to them. It took a full 24 hours for me to step up to the tree and to re-decorate it. I mulled over the idea of leaving it as it was. But… well, you know what the back of a Christmas tree looks like. Aunt Mable’s crocheted string of beads that had been roped like garland back and forth the true front were just barely showing on one side of the tree. Sheer evidence of an “oops.”

I threw a picture of the fallen tree onto Facebook. That post became a support group for those of us who’ve had this most unfortunate experience. Two people lost one the weekend before ours went over. One mom’s went over three times in one day – once landing on her littlest boy! She has four boys; he wasn’t injured, probably pretty used to being on the bottom of a pile.

The Christmas tree. What a lovely tradition in my Normal Rockwell frame of mind. (That slip must stay! A typo is worth a thousand truths.) And to me, the decorating is as big a part of tradition as gazing googly-eyed at the completed twinkly tree. Despite my want for “a Christmas tree tradition,” this year’s putting-up-the-tree has pushed me to re-think what should be involved in this tradition. What particularly should this tradition look like for my family? For a multitude of reasons, I realized I have been defining this tradition step-by-step, beginning to end, in my mind and hoping the implementation will follow smoothly when adding a man, a young boy, and a male teenager to the mix. Seriously, what the hell am I thinking?

I’ll tell you what I’m thinking.

When my sons have families of their own, I want them to be involved in the making of traditions and to know that there is value in it – for themselves and for their loved ones. Traditions take more than one person implementing a plan; it starts there but depends on buy-in, albeit I now realize various degrees of buy-in.

Bill is allergic to the poke of the pine needles and the sap and the bark. So to put the tree up the first time – and the second time, he hauled out his leather gloves to wrestle with the heavy end. To place ornaments on what must be to him a giant, poisonous pin cushion, he would be wearing leather gloves for ages.

When the thing went over, only the boys were home with me. I called Will down to help me pull it upright. He didn’t want to touch it; he’s not keen on the prickly needles. Will gingerly picked up the top while I reached in bare-handed and hugged the tree to my chest to get it to stand to attention. He balanced it while I examined the tree stand. At that point we had not yet determined it was a crooked tree. All we could do was lean it into a corner and shove a large, hardback cover book of “Curious George” under one side of the tree stand so it wouldn’t topple again and wait for Bill to get home. My thoughts were dark as I struggled unsuccessfully to fix it: I wouldn’t be able to do this on my own. If Bill kicks off before me, so goes my tree stabilizer.

With the repair round of decorating looming, I considered for a moment the first round. I had removed special ornaments from their boxes, so when the boys helped decorate they didn’t need to mess with unpacking ornaments, which is my least favorite part of decorating. Bill and Will stayed within sight of the tree in the kitchen, eyes on projects on the kitchen counter, avoiding eye contact. Avoiding decorating the tree. Liam sat on a chair three feet from me and perhaps put two or three ornaments on; then chatted away as I decorated. I invited him to join in again, and his reply was an eye opener. Looking out of the corner of his eye with a devilish self-protecting smile, he said, “I’m providing charisma to the tree decorating!” Liam also hates anything poky, let alone sappy and sticky.

I’ll be damned. I’m the only one that loves muscling the tree without gloves, poking lights into the interior branches so the whole thing glows. I’m the only one who goes skipping down memory lane with each ornament hung. I’m the only one that enjoys the push back of the tree as I lean into it standing on a step stool to put the star on top.

I’m not saying the three wise men in my house don’t enjoy the memories, but perhaps not all in one sitting. Maybe occasionally walking by the tree they see an ornament that reminds them of the drive to South Dakota with their aunt, two cousins, Grandpa and Grandma, and no electronics. They are happy with one memory at a time. I need full memory-immersion for my putting-up-the-tree experience to be complete.

Perhaps after its set up, some other traditions will take hold. It must be told that string of beads represents more than Aunt Mable, but also Will and Liam’s Great-Grandma Frances and her spunky sisters: Aunt Mina, the eldest and calmest. Aunt Lucie, the baby and full of laughs. Aunt Margaret, the snoopy one who opened closed doors when visiting her sisters – and their families. Aunt Mable, the round one and the ally to Great-Grandma Frances. Those two would share an eyeball roll as Aunt Mable would say, “Lock the doors, Margaret is on her way over.” That’s what happens to me when I string those beads across the tree.

Ye gads. I certainly cannot convey the meaning behind all ornaments in one putting-up-the-tree sitting.

So, down to its skinniest form, what is my expectation of setting up this dead tree in my house? It must be real – dead but real. It must have ornaments that bring back memories. It must have a star. It must have at least 600 white lights. It must have candy canes. It must be lit from sun up to sun down. Ideally, it will be lit when the kids come down in the morning and still lit as they go off to bed.

And what are my basic needs during the setting up of the tree? Help lodging it into the tree base and spinning it until I detect the front the front of the tree. Help picking it up if it falls over. And, a little bit of charisma would be mighty helpful.

The First Sparkle of the Season

This might look like china or crystal to you.  To me, this is my crown jewel of Monday: It all started with a big Boy Scout project I needed to start: end of year re-chartering and catching up on tracking advancements and reports for our scouts and implementing a new system to track advancement. I’ve worked on the foothills of this project a few times already, but now I need to commit to it like a cost accountant working an 8-hour day tracking costs on the refurbishment of Endeavor’s boosters. As I think about that blip in my life at Sundstrand, I see a desk and a table with me swiveling around on my chair between the two of them. The space was committed to the project. At the end of the day, I left a pile in the middle of the desk and that was where I started the next day. This scene is what I need to replicate to get my mind around this scout project.

The job requires setting up two computers side by side. The advancement tracking system is on one computer, but that computer refuses to talk to my printer. My personal computer sits next door and accepts emails with attachments that need to be printed. The printer is in our living room next to the table that occasionally hosts sit-down meals. I need a chair on my right to hold a file drawer full of folders. I need flat work space to shuffle paper in the folders. In the past, I have set up this project on the table in our living room, but the complexity of the job ahead means we would be looking at this set-up for a couple of weeks.

Perhaps no one dreads this as much as Bill – although it’s also a thorn in my side to walk by it when I’m off-duty. Last year when this table was enveloped in mounds during this season, Liam asked, “Mom, do you get paid for this?” which lead to a much needed conversation about volunteerism.

As I write this, I know where I need to set up: the dining room. I can move the printer and the table it’s on to the dining room, which will make more room for the Christmas tree in the living room. Plus, as I write this Wednesday morning, I know the best part of this set up is the newly shined crown jewel. On my Monday calendar, there was a two-hour block marked as “Boy Scouts” that I lived out as “putz.”

Over time, my china hutch has become crammed with stuff I didn’t want to get broken. Monday, on an unplanned trip to the Container Store to find shelves to hang on my pantry door for all of my spices, I found small stand-alone shelves that would work as risers in the china hutch. I could double-deck each shelf. I came home without spice racks (they were too wide for the pantry door) but rather armed with shelves.

My thought was to just scooch stuff around and work the shelves in, but once inside the china closet, I saw how dirty every glass was. So I washed all of the glasses by hand, then installed the shelves, then wound battery-operated twinkle lights through the shiny glasses. Now, it sparkles like the holidays!

Note: In 1999 when I was working on the 25-page paper to finish off my Master’s degree, I painted the entire kitchen two days before the paper was due. I’m an excellent procrastinator, and what I accomplish under pressure is some of my best work. …. So now it’s Thursday. I missed writing the Hump Day Short on Tuesday as I had to slide the scout project to Tuesday. It was a successful day with all equipment set up as planned. I faced the china closet with twinkle lights a-glow and had my Christmas music playing as I finished the reports that were needed for the scout meeting Tuesday night. Then, on Wednesday I got a call that a repairman was on his way to replace the light switch above the stove. And Wednesday got putzed away waiting for him. (Coincidentally, this was a new guy that came out to take care of this simple replacement. He blew the new switch trying to push it back into place with the power running live. He’ll need to come back in a few days and try again.)

Today, Thursday, the Boy Scout project is on the back burner. The special-order replacement windows for the dining room came in and installers will be there today. I broke down the Boy Scout work station and threw a table cloth over the printer so it won’t get dusty. I’ve retreated to my favorite place in town: the quiet room in the library. And I’m ready to write yesterday’s Hump Day Short.

Now… where to begin... Did I mention I spruced up my china hutch?

Here's the matching dining room table -- A 25-year-old Piece of Oak decked out for Christmas!

A Thanksgiving Throw Back

Our path to Thanksgiving is unusual this year. No Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade. Probably no turkey. Unlikely there will be football in the afternoon. We are going to Florida for a few days, and as the plan stands now, we will be celebrating the day with Harry Potter in Hogsmeade. So my Thanksgiving fix will come from Thanksgivings past. This one is from Thanksgiving morning, November 2012... Ahhhh. Thanksgiving morn. I felt a telepathic scuttle when my alarm went off this morning. That turkey energy running through kitchens all through the country. Houses quiet but for the one person carrying the load of the day: preparing the turkey.

In our house, it’s double duty. I’m kind of the director and Bill does the hands-on lifting, cleaning, rubbing, and carving. We have a special guest of honor this year: we know our turkey lived a charmed life roaming on Chestnut Farms. On Sunday, Bill went to the distribution point to collect our gobbler. My name wasn’t on the list, but the farmer remembered my name. She asked, “What size did Linda order?” Bill hadn’t an idea of available sizes. “Probably a medium.”

And on that day our turkey grew from 14-16 pounds to 17-20 pounds for four people. There will actually be six of us, but I’m pretty sure Will & Liam won’t be trying the turkey. “Point of View” by Shel Silverstein was read by one of the students at the all-school Thanksgiving meeting Monday. Many of us chuckled at it. Others of us used it to sum up exactly why mac’n’cheese is a perfectly good Thanksgiving entrée.

All week I’ve been visualizing that beautifully roasted, domed bird. Daily Bill has been given it cold baths, per farmer’s direction, then covering it with a wet towel, foil and returning it to the fridge. I’ve been studying the many options of preparation: brining, buttering, herbing, or simply shoving it in a 350-degree oven. Since we are having an evening feast, I’ve decided to go with brining it for the day in kosher salt in a sinkful of ice water.

At 6:30 a.m., Bill brought the turkey up from the basement fridge and uncovered it as I gave directions. “I think it should go breast down so that meat is fully submerged in the brine.” We started filling the sink with water and ice; Bill placed the turkey into its prep sink. I restated, “No, it needs to go breast-down.” Bill, looking at me as if I had two heads, “It is breast down. It’s been this way all week.”

Thus we enter a very peculiar state of “I’m right… No, I’m right.” But I AM right, as sure as I can tell the pungent difference between cow manure and pig shit, I AM right. At this intersection, I can’t speak. After a few seconds staring at the tail, the elbow of the wing – and yes, the backbone – I say, “Bill, do you really think this is the breast?” Pause. Sigh. “No, now I don’t.”

Our DD breasted turkey was now a BB. Flat chested. Condensed. Flat as a pancake. She had been lying comatose on her breasts for four days.

Today, I’m thankful for a slower pace so we can gather as a family, turning off the responsibilities and the roles outside our four walls. After all, it’s the human side of Bill that I just adore. At moments like this, he makes me smile deliriously.

Next weekend, I think we will roast a chicken together. I will make a farmer out of him yet.

The Quilt Cocoon

Monday morning I walked into the kitchen and saw a giant cocoon leaning upright against the counter in the corner. After a short shock that ended with a blink, I see that the cocoon’s shell was of Grandma Mills’ quilt, the one she gave us when Will was a baby. And the tuft of black hair shooting out the top of the cocoon confirmed that it was in fact a boy wrapped in a quilt.

I remember this is Will’s quilt because I got to pick out his quilt from the three or four that Grandma had pre-made for great-grandchildren, plus it’s a fall quilt and Will was born in October. This fall, I had brought it out of the closet when I put up the fall decorations.

Of course, I also remember the quilt Liam was given by Grandma two years later. I didn’t get a choice for his, and I think by the time he came along, Grandma’s quilting had slowed a bit as it seems her inventory was short on boy-themed quilts. She gave us a quilt in lilac colors for Liam. I was slightly puzzled by the choice – and I still am today when I see it in the linen chest.

Inside the cocoon was Liam. Not yet dressed, he was managing to unwrap cinnamon rolls and put one on a plate to microwave, all while keeping this quilt tightly wrapped around him. I was in awe of his ability to hold it all together – and that he was getting his own breakfast.

I have no problem with Liam eating sticky cinnamon rolls while rolled in the quilt. We can wash it. The quilters I’ve known over the years would prefer this frequent usage of a handmade quilt rather having it gather dust and permanent wrinkles while tucked away on a high shelf or in a tub in the loft.

I want these handmade gifts out where they can be seen in our house; the quilts remind me of the person who made the quilt. And, in the case of my “heritage quilts,” they remind me of the person who used to wear the clothes that make up the patches and the pieces.

However, all of our quilts can’t be out or displayed. Our house is undergoing a restructuring. With 10- and 13-year-olds, many things from that first decade of their lives need to find another home. Things out of the closets. Out of the bookcases. Out of the drawers. Out of the toy boxes. Out of the storage room. As Will and Liam grow bigger, so many of the toys, books, and quilts look out of place. In their rooms. In our living areas. In our basement storage space.

The want for things to go to a good home hovers over me, as well as many of my friends. We want to make sure the thing is used, not destroyed. If there is life left in it, don’t throw it away. Work to get it up-cycled to a good home. And the same friends can attest to how full our houses are because of this notion.

I’ve worked this fall to solidly identify those things we have outgrown. Will agreed that the 10 tubs of LEGOS that were in the basement last spring and that we hauled to his closet in July could finally go to the loft. But we could NOT get rid of them! I agree. And I’m sad to hear him make this decision.

Also in the summer, we cleared all the toys from the basement living area and stashed them in the basement storage room. In front of the shelves where all the Christmas decorations are. I did it on purpose: I will need to get to those shelves. The toys will need to be dealt with. To a good home, of course. Hopefully, they are on their way to the local thrift shop where the proceeds will benefit adults in town who have special needs.

Will and Liam agreed that the children’s books should go into the Little Free Library on our front lawn. My boys are so brave in this growing-up business. I’m the one attached to “Sheep in a Jeep” and “Kipper.” I can see the sorting of books already: one for the library, one for the loft, one for the library, two for the loft. For the grandkids. I’m that age?!?! I’m putting things in storage for grandkids?!?!

I’ve found tubs with rubber seals around the lids. They seal tightly, safe-keeping the contents inside from the stale loft air, unplanned moisture, and nasty rodents. The tubs are clear so a visit to the loft will mean a poke to the old memory for me. I have one packed already with the oldest of Will and Liam’s baby blankets and small Thomas quilts. I kept three baby quilts out, determined to add sleeves to the backs of them and hang them as artwork somewhere in the house. Or, next summer, to put them in the trunk of the van to use as beach blankets. They are too small for cocoons… and not yet ready for the loft.

Thankful

Do you know I think of you nearly every day? When I throw chopped garlic and onions into a sizzling pan, that glorious sound and smell makes me think of meals we have made and shared together.

Every morning when I curl my eyelashes, do you know that I remember the day you appeared at my door with an eyelash curler after reading about my eyelashes that were growing in straight as an arrow after chemo?

When I open the boys’ closet doors and I see on the top shelf the blanket and sweater you knitted, the multi-color baby quilt you sewed, the blanket you hand-tied… I remember the sweetness of your gift and of bringing our babies home from South Korea.

When I drive by the lake in town, I think of you telling the story about skating across it as a child. And I remember all those days as preschool moms bringing one another support through short or long conversations standing outside the school.

When I see the Cubbies celebrating their World Series win, I remember meeting you at Wrigley and taking a seat among your 40 gray-haired friends that day when one of them couldn’t make the five-hour drive from Iowa to the ballpark.  Surely, you saw the last game of this season from your seat in heaven.

When I see the little sailboats on our little lake, I feel the breeze and hear the laughter from our sailing trips on lakes and oceans.

When it happens that we are together for an hour, a day, or a week… later – for hours, days, and weeks – I’m homesick for those times of unbroken comradery and conversation and just being together.

When I remember eating your chicken noodle soup, tuna and noodles with big thick egg noodles, freshly homemade rolls and kolaches, Christmas cookies, apple crisp from your 7th grade home-ec class, coffee cake with vegetable oil topping, I smile. Those memories are sparked when I see the recipe card in your hand-writing or make your recipe in my kitchen.

When I hear what is happening in your life and realize that the same is happening in mine, I’m more confident. My sanity is re-invigorated. My outlook more chipper. None of us are in this gig alone, and there is power and strength in knowing that.

When I have a PJ morning with no make-up and crazy hair, I think about the trips taken with you and your family and remember that we all woke up and stuck with “that look” for a couple hours – and we were all OK with it.

When we get to go for long walks and have long talks or just run into each other for short chats between appointments, I look forward to hearing your voice and knowing what’s happening in your life.

When I have a quiet cup of coffee alone in the morning, I wish you and I lived on the same cul-de-sac and could have coffee and conversation together more often.

…This week, I watched a video of Maya Angelou talking about “Being a rainbow in somebody’s cloud,” and how she had so many rainbows in her own life. Whenever she was nervous about appearing in front of a crowd or embarking on a new adventure, she called all her rainbows to her side with words to the effect of: “Come on, let’s go. We’re doing this together!” Whether the rainbows were from people who were dead or alive, she bolstered her own self-confidence with them.

Draw those rainbows into your circle and toss out the dark clouds. Collect rainbows. Give rainbows. Be with rainbow people. You’re in my rainbow tribe, and I’m thankful for you every day.

Happy hump day.

The Annual Autumn Dance

Head-banging November 1st, started with my hair dryer shorting out. There was a back-up dryer in the basement that our guests from England and Paris had used in October. With me, there is no direct route from A to B in my house. I stopped to wash dishes in the kitchen on my way to the basement when it happened: a long curl fell over my left eye. I gave my head a bounce and more followed. Earlier, while getting Liam ready for school, it was only 32 degrees. I knew we had a freeze the night before because Bill fell down our deck stairs on the way out the door at 6:30 a.m. I heard a rumbling and crashing noises then silence. I flew outside bare-footed and pranced as the bottoms of my feet hit a thin, cold layer of ice. Bill was standing, stretching his back, and wiggling his wrists. A taxi was in our drive waiting for him to start his bag drag to China. “I’m fine… really, I’m fine.” Afraid of missing his plane, he walked away with a cup of hot coffee all over his shirt and suit coat. Silly string from Halloween antics stuck to his butt and his bag. Yes, it had dipped to 32.

“Why do I have to wear this creepy equipment?” Liam complained as I re-introduced him to said equipment. Winter gloves. With one step outside, he knew. “Whoa! It is cold!” and he snuggled the hood of his winter coat around his ears. The rainbow of silly string all over the drive reminded him of Halloween night. “Last night was so much fun, but I hardly remember any of it!” Often, I take this boy’s statements and superimpose them upon a 17-year-old. And my eyes grow wide at that thought. Liam’s preschool teacher six years ago called him “spicy.” That still applies, plus he has a very funny, twisted command of his vocabulary. In particular, I love his “rainbow auras.” Translation: sunsets.

Back to my hair. It’s about the length of Steven Tyler’s from Aerosmith. And with it bouncing around, I start singing the chorus from “Sweet Child of Mine.” I fall into that lyric after a dose of the spice. I screech it like Tyler but discover that morning that it’s actually a Guns’n’Roses song. This kid has no ballad associated with him. It’s all “Oh, oh, oh, oh sweet child of mine…” screaming and racing up the staff then losing intensity and dropping back down with another “Oh, oh, oh, oh sweet child of mine…” And in my rendition, “nah-nah-nah” makes up all other words in the song.

That morning, I stepped away from my standards – away from country, away from Sinatra – one of Will’s favorite artists, away from the female swooner Adele. I fill up the feed with hard rock. The dishes get done to screeches, confident guitar licks, and songs for which I only know the choruses. I could be singing lyrics about any number of socially unacceptable events, but they are turned innocent with my “nah-nah-nahs.”

I’m letting it all loose dancing around my kitchen when I realize where I am in the year. November 1st. Life in October held an incredible, bursting intensity with good friends visiting from Paris and England, Will’s 13th birthday, our 24th wedding anniversary, a big kick-off event for scouts, yet another 50th birthday celebration for me with gymnastics moms, a weekend away with my quilting friend, and a decked out Halloween. October. I rode it like a roller-coaster, knowing it had a wild start and would come to a calm end. And although I’m a day late, I realize this is a very personal annual celebration for me.

In the shower seven years ago, I washed away stubs of hair from my buzz-cut head. And the intensity of life every October since then reminds me how lucky I am. And every year, I dance… with wildly happy hair.

P.S. Some days, like today, a beautiful liquid muse is most effective.

Do you remember "Dancing on Halloween Morn?"

Mayan Ruins

I’ve read two books in the last month, and in both of them, characters time travelled. Right up there with how an enormous, people-filled steel bullet can fly 35,000 feet above the earth at 500 miles an hour, the twists created in a story line involving time travel gets my mind in an uncomfortable kink. _Life after Life_, a big 400+ book by Kate Atkinson, I gave up on. Read the last page and had no idea how that wrapped up the life of a woman who died time after time, tweaking history a bit each time she returned. _The Eyre Affair_ by Jasper Fforde was easier to follow and conversation with others afterwards helped me knit the bits together. With my gizzard full of time travel, I felt a twinge last Tuesday. Liam is studying the Mayan culture and has been assigned a team project: to build a Mayan Stelae – a carved pillar. On the front of these structures is a person and on the other sides are hieroglyphics describing the person. I provided the clay, the marble rolling pin, the carving tools, and ultimately, the Styrofoam center on which the carved slabs of clay would be anchored. And the authoritarian voice that kept two 10-year-old boys on task.

Somewhere around 1990, Bill and I, together with a few other friends, stayed on a live-a-board dive boat off the coast of Belize. After a week of three dives a day, we dried our gills and rented a large white people-mover van, and we struck out from Belize City and crossed the narrow country to the Guatemalan border in search of a Mayan ruin. I was a sheep in the flock, the last goose in the V… no idea where I was going, just going with the group. Often I think if my 5th grade social studies teacher had told me that I might actually go to some of the places I studied, I might have done more than memorize dates and places to pass the test.

The structure was clinging to a hillside with a ton of steps from top to bottom. I only remember the ruin as a backdrop to the grassy area in front of it where a guide prodded a spider out of its in-ground home. Right in front of me, a tarantula as big as my hand emerged from the blades of grass then seconds later, he grumpily returned to his hole.

The sight that is etched on my brain was from walking away from the ruin toward a shallow river. I saw women and children on the opposite shore and ankle deep in the water. It was a rather serious scene, not one of people enjoying the water in an American beach-sense. They looked busy. From the water’s edge on my side of the river, I could clearly see what they were doing. Laundry. I had stumbled upon Belizean Laundry Mavens, rubbing clothes on rocks to scrub them and then rinsing them in the river water. I hadn’t thought about this scene for years, until I became the adult responsible for overseeing the building of a Mayan Stelae. Today, this Laundry Maven will be more grateful than cheeky about the loads of clothes processed in the laundry room.

Last week, with this scene replaying from the depth of my memory banks, I was sure my over-seeing this project was serendipity. An opportunity to walk down memory lane to one of the coolest trips ever. From the Mayan book I checked out from the library, I see that we probably visited either Caracol. Or perhaps Xunantunich. And according to the book, there were probably walls in the area like the ones these two 10-year-olds were constructing. I wanted to tell them more about that trip, but I had collected no memories to impart. For I had only been one dazed sheep traveling in the herd.

With this theory of Mayan serendipity busted, another one struck me.

I’m the mom who owns and knows how to operate a hack saw! To pre-cut a big block of Styrofoam down to a workable size for the after school project.  It was all part of a divine plan that I take the lead on this one.  Not for my Mayan experience but for my experience trimming trees with a hack saw.

The Sewing Machine

Last Friday, I made a tight circle in the parking lots around the quilt shop. We are lucky to have a bustling little downtown area, but that sometimes means parking a block or two away from where you are headed. Usually, I don’t mind the walk, but on Friday I was taking my sewing machine in to have it fixed. It’s a portable sewing machine with a handle on the top. I had been meaning to take it in for months because in a couple weeks I’m going to Cape Cod for a quilting weekend with a friend. I don’t quilt, but it's a chance for my quilting friend Deb and I get to spend a weekend together catching up. Deb and her family were our neighbors when we first moved to Boston. She welcomed us the first day in our house with food and a list of nearby shops. We became immediate, close friends. After she moved to the south shore, we had frequent virtual coffees, but as our real life with kids became busier and busier, our virtual phone-coffees became fewer and fewer.

So, if I’m going to bluff my way into the weekend as a quilter, I need a sewing machine that works. I think the last time I used it was on Liam’s Halloween costume a few years ago; however, now I can’t get the bobbin threaded and the needle bends whenever I try to use the machine.

After circling for a few minutes with no luck, I pulled into a 30-minute parking spot that was reserved for another downtown business. I knew this would be a quick drop-off. It was still a 50-yard walk toting the sewing machine, but given I work out with a Marine twice a week, I figured I could do it.

I hauled the machine through the parking lot, across the street, through another parking lot and down the stairs to the basement quilt shop. I heaved the machine onto a counter in the center of the store and waited for help.

Another customer came in a few minutes after me. To no one in particular, she asked, “What is going on in here? There’s a thread winding through the store and out the door!” Lo and behold, that thread led to the bent needle in my sewing machine. The sight gave everyone a good laugh. Perplexed with pink cheeks, I pulled the thread from my machine and followed it back through the store to the entrance. The fine white fiber seemed to be illuminated against the black steps up to the parking lot. I got to the top of the stairs and saw it continuing across the parking lot toward the sidewalk. I left the wadded thread on a curb in the parking lot next to the quilt shop. I didn’t want to lose my place in line; I would pick up the rest of it when I left.

Back in the shop, I learned that if my sewing machine went to the repair man – although he’s very good at what he does, I wouldn’t get it back for six to eight weeks. I had two weeks. “Well, a few months ago, the owner of the store said she would take a look at it to see if it might be something simple to fix.”

The lady at the counter checked with the owner who was in a meeting, and she remembered me. She was in a meeting but would be free in about 20 minutes. Despite not being a quilter, there is nothing so enticing as the fabrics and creative possibilities lying in-wait within a quilt shop. I know this sport would be dangerous for me. If I gave in to the pull, I wouldn’t be a quilter. I would be a fabric buyer. Still I have a few embroidered pieces that needed to be framed, so I had a look around and managed to come up with a few small pieces of Halloween fabric to frame my needlework; I would spend the weekend sewing simple straight lines.

As promised, 20 minutes the owner came over and had a look at my machine. “Well, first I see that the foot you have in is not an all-purpose foot. See this narrow opening in the foot? It’s not meant for zig-zag stitching and that’s what your machine is set on, so that’s why your needle bent.” It was so obvious. And her voice was so patient. And so loud. I could almost hear the older ladies gray-haired heads shaking back and forth with a "tsk-tsk" sound. She gave the machine a once over and tweaked dials and buttons as she went, explaining what each did. She was so kind, my eyes started tearing up. My grandma had quilted. Had I lived closer to her as an adult, I might have had this lesson from her years ago. With the same level of patience in her voice.

“Let’s see if it works,” she suggested. “Do you have a spool of thread?”

“Well, I did, but I’m pretty sure it’s somewhere over by the Public Safety Building.” Fifty yards away. Where I parked the van. Where the spool must have fallen off. Where the thread marks my guilty trail. With every footstep on the stairs, I looked up to see if it was a police officer that had followed the Gretel-trail to hand me an in-person ticket.

She found a spool and tested the machine. “I think it will work for you. The tension may be a little off, but you can play with that.”

I wanted to give her a hug but instead made-do with a "thank-you"; then I lugged the machine to the van, dragging the string of thread back with me across the street.

Happy Hump Day.

A Lack of Focus

Thought generation is in bits and pieces this week. Twice this week Will has corrected my driving en-route to school and activities. “Aren’t we supposed to be taking Joe to gymnastics?” I had picked up James but turned a corner away from Joe's house.

“Ah, yes,” I thanked Will as I turned the van around. I believe the van was on auto-pilot to Liam’s school. Wrong place. Wrong time of day. Wrong kid.

“My mom makes wrong turns all the time,” James said. He was clearly un-phased that I had forgotten Joe. “But Dad never does.”

Then this morning, Will stated with hesitation, “I thought Kristine was riding to school with us this morning…”

“Thanks, Will!” Again, I turned the van around.

"Being in the moment" is not me this week. Situations need mulling before action is taken. Schedules need ironed out to get everyone to where they need to go. Little vignettes have been running in my head on a non-stop loop.

This is my third hour sitting in the Quiet Room at the public library to write – two hours yesterday and one, thus far, today. In an attempt to empty my head of those vignettes, I wrote “Put it out of my mind” at the top of a paper, followed by a list of things I cannot resolve or act on when my butt is in this seat.

Then, I reminded myself:

No phone calls. It’s the Quiet Room.

No personal emails. It’s my rule when in the Quiet Room.

No worrying. It’s my writing time.

And, I’m stumped. Not for lack of material, but for lack of focus. For not knowing what to write about. My thought: There needs to be a smoother transition from chief of operations in the house to this writer sitting at a keyboard. As COO within the last hour, I made phone calls, paid bills, returned emails, threw laundry on; then raced out the door to get my butt in this chair so I would have a solid chunk of time to write before picking up my sons from school; made the “forget it” list; flung open the computer… and watched time pass while writing about nothing.

Now, two hours later and still, nothing.

Yes, the transition. It needs to be more fluid and more thoughtful. To reign in the piece of me that belongs right here, in this moment. That woman who writes works in a lower gear than the one who drove here. Maybe the writer will be here next week. If she makes the right turn.

It truly is a Hump Day. And this is a Hump Day Shorter-than-Short.

Digital Natives vs Digital Immigrants

Bill and I have always been fascinated by sub-cultures. Our personal definition of sub-culture refers to unique, niche interests that draw individuals together who have rich experiences creating a culture outside our normal, day-to-day life. In general, although we may dabble in these groups, we aren’t one of them but are in awe of their existence and the passion their people have for their “things.” A couple weeks ago, I volunteered to accompany Liam to the Boston Festival of Indie Games. Bill went last year, and I remembered the fatigue on his face when he returned home, and I remember the excitement on Liam’s face. Gaming. A sub-culture neither Bill nor I are a part of, but we live oh-so-close to the neighborhood.

At parenting and educational conferences over the years, I picked up a couple terms that help distinguish the players in and the watchers of this sub-culture: digital natives and digital immigrants.

Digital natives were born into the world of technology; it’s been with them since birth – the Internet, video games, hand-held devices. iDevices really are intuitive to these people. Our sons Will and Liam are digital natives.

Digital immigrants were born before the wide use of technology. In my senior year of college, our library installed ten computers for 2,100 students. We had to sign up for half-hour slots to use them. I loved the feeling of my fingers dancing over the keys and words streaming out. In fact, had I been born ten years later, I’m sure that writing would have been a career I pursued in my twenties rather than my forties. For Bill and me, iDevices are a kind of necessary evil. Bill and I are digital immigrants.

Used in a sentence, these two digital communities are more often joined by “versus” than “and.” The parent-child relationship of our era falls hard on native vs immigrant. As for the communication surrounding the use of extra-curricular technology in our home, I impale myself regularly on the sword of transition away from technology to something – anything – that doesn’t involve a screen. And each time is as painful as the previous, particularly when the native leaves the computer screen and migrates to the TV. This big screen is seen by the native as “electronics-free.”

My anxiety level rose as the day approached when I would spend hours purposefully visiting this sub-culture of gaming. I envisioned walking into a swarm of digital natives, and not being able to tell anyone to “Turn it off!”

Once parked at MIT, we ran up five floors to the auditorium. Our eyes were glassy in disbelief: mine at the height of the climb, Liam at the multitude of gaming tables set up. Liam, who is ten, didn’t hesitate to ask the game designers if he could try their games. The designers hovered over Liam to watch how he worked his way through their games. Despite age differences of a decade or more, they spoke the same language and were very respectful to one another.

As this was an Indie Fest, these were all independent game designers working to create games that they would hopefully sell via STEAM or some other avenue. I see STEAM as an on-line catalog where gamers can buy access to games they want to play on-line. STEAM requires new games to be voted in by gamers who play the games available on a trial-basis. Once designers attain enough votes, their games are “green-lighted” on STEAM.

All of the designers I met were employed full-time as computer guys – software, hardware, IT, programming – I heard all of those terms tossed in with the words “my day job.” So their passion, their hobby, is game design. Some had worked for months on their games, others for a few years. For many, this festival was the debut of their games and the road to getting players to vote them onto STEAM.

While standing for a good 45 minutes at one table while Liam pursued level after level, a young man and I chatted. Kevin was “a big” in the Big Brother, Big Sister program and his “little” was battling with Liam.

“So, how do you feel about gaming?” he asked. “My girlfriend doesn’t want her (future) kids to have electronics, but I’m OK with them. I was a big gamer myself.”

I shared my strategies of trying to monitor time spent on electronics. I might have mentioned impalement. Then I fessed up, “I think this is Liam’s thing. He’s hard-wired to like computers and programming. No matter how many limits I put on him, he loves this.”

“That’s what my mom and dad tried with me too. Until a certain age, then they gave up and just let me play whenever I wanted to.” Kevin may have seen me cringe.

“So,” he continued, “I’m torn. I get what my girlfriend says, but I loved gaming! What do you think?”

“You’ve held eye contact with me during our whole conversation. And we had a great conversation. No matter your decision, I think your kids will be fine,” I predicted. “Are you a programmer now?”

Kevin’s eyes danced as he explained what he is working on: the internet of things. He described his job as the cutting edge career for programmers. Basically, every day things are connected to the Internet and data flows between the thing and the thing’s company. In the future, will the Malcolms never run out of Northern toilet paper because the Internet connection on the toilet rolls will track what’s purchased, what’s used, and tell Northern when to send a new shipment?

Kevin and the designers who I met are of the digital native sub-culture, which will soon be mainstream. Or, perhaps it already is… So, while I’m not tossing in the hat to controlling how much gaming goes on in our house, I do acknowledge that Liam is most definitely a digital native by the simple fact that he is ten.

Happy Hump Day, from the digital immigrant who will always feel the ping of being a foreigner, despite fifty solid years on this planet.

Me First!

Having been away from the keyboard for a while, it’s tough to decide where to start. I’m picking up at the beginning of our vacation to England, a kind of prequel to the story about our canal navigation. We were flying to England via an overnight flight that originated in Boston then connected to a trans-Atlantic flight out of D.C. We had left just enough time to get to the airport for the 7:00 p.m. flight. I remember thinking how well the packing of a six bags came together. The bags were in the van, and I opened the refrigerator one last time to see if anything really needed attention. Generally, I use this cold box as a preserver of rotting things while we are away, so the garbage in the garage doesn’t reek. My intent of this last look was to identify anything that would need to go into the deep-freeze until our return.

I saw a strange plastic bag laying on top of the egg carton. I was stunned by the contents: my monthly injection of Lupron. An important ingredient in my post-breast cancer 10-year plan. I had picked it up from the pharmacy the day before, and as I left the pharmacy, I had called my doctor’s office to make a morning appointment for the day we flew. The appointment was set – but not written in my calendar. Nearly hysterical, I looked at Bill. “I made sure everyone else was taken care of – except me! ME!”

Bill looked at me, waiting for a plan. I looked at him, trying to think of a plan. “I could do it,” he suggested. I declined. This was an inter-muscular injection. The jab of the 1 ½” needle needed to be done with a bit of gusto, but not too much gusto.

“Let’s go to the ER,” I suggested. This was a pretty straight forward emergency. My flight left in two hours. I wasn’t confident that I could take the injection with me in my carry-on then find a jabber in the UK. I definitely didn’t want to pack it in the cargo. The replacement value was too great. Over $2,000.

In a kind of keep-the-car-running state of mind, I hopped out at the ER. The receptionist looked at me. Clearly not believing I could’ve forgotten this errand. “I’ll see what I can do,” ended with a, “I would need to check you into a room and there is a huge wait. Linda, I think you should try an urgent care.” The airport was directly south of the ER. The closest urgent care was southwest of the ER. While I was in the ER, a gift arrived: a text came saying our flight had been delayed by an hour.

I plugged the urgent care address into the GPS as Bill drove. I called the urgent care office and explained the situation. Again, I could hear confused disbelief that I could have forgotten this task. I lost the call as we pulled into the parking lot. Bill dropped me off at the same door I had walked through for the lumpectomy in August 2009. Surgery and urgent care shared the same entrance at the hospital.

I carried the Lupron kit with me ready to hand it off like a baton in a relay. Two nurses greeted me and said they would try to get the attending to sign off on it, but normally, they administered only injections from their own pharmacy. “Could we see that?” Thank goodness, the hand-off had been made! Fifteen minutes later, one of them returned. “Linda, I’m so sorry but we can’t do it. You could try this organization called Doctor’s Express – here’s the number, or there are step-by-step directions in the package so you could have someone do it for you.” I wanted her to step out of her profession and be my friend. It didn’t happen.

Then and there the moment hit. It wasn’t so much a line in the sand but rather a line drawn with a wide permanent marker across the threshold of the hospital door. I wasn’t leaving the hospital without having the injection. “Could you tell me where the bathroom is?”

A running pep talk started in my head. “God helps them who help themselves.” “You got this, Linda!” “You’ve seen this done hundreds of times!” “This is nothing!” Thank goodness for the little voices in my head.

In the dimly lit public bathroom, I popped open the packaging. The Lupron syringe was in a flat plastic case, measuring about seven inches long and four inches wide. With shaking hands, I pulled out the neatly folded instruction sheet and started to unfold it. And unfolded. And unfolded. Until I had the poster-sized instruction sheet laying across the sink. I did a quick scan to find the main instructions. In one column, there were pictures included. It reminded of me when you bought a new printer and just needed the quick start directions, never mind the manual.

I folded the poster in half and held it closer to my eyes to read it. Then farther away. The writing was so small my contact ensconced eyes couldn’t bring it into focus. I stared at myself in the mirror. I scooped one contact out and threw it into the garbage followed by the second. Now, with the poster pulled close to my nose, I could see the instructions.

I followed them step-by-step. There was only a pushing of saline up the syringe to mix with the medicine. Easy. Then I exposed my right hip, reached back, and jabbed it in. No pain. With seven years of this, the area was probably calloused. I gave the plunger a push all the way and stopped when I heard a bubbling sound. That wasn’t normal. I had emptied the syringe. I picked up all the pieces to this bizarre science experiment and tucked them back into the bag. Including the unopened alcohol wipes. Those would have been a good idea given the public nature of the room.

Blurry-eyed, I floated out of the hospital and to the car. “It’s done,” I told Bill. I handed him the poster of instructions. “You better take this with you in case I start acting funny.” I hadn’t checked to see if I had hit a blood vessel before administering the drug. My body was a limp rag on the passenger seat. And the flight had been delayed another hour; we had plenty of time to get to the airport.

Once at the airport, we found the delay was due to storms up and down the eastern seaboard. If we made it out of Logan, chances were good the flight out of DC wouldn’t get out that evening. The airline had already tentatively booked us on a 6 a.m. flight the next morning. We ditched the plan to fly that night.

Adrenaline surge. Adrenaline drain. Adrenaline surge. Adrenaline drain. My own bed felt good that night.

Now, back into the autumn routine, when I work on our family’s schedule and calendar, I mumble words of a 2-year-old: “Me first!”

First Day of School 2016

Today was Liam’s first day of school. Late last night, I vocalized my incredible success, “I pulled it all together!” My arms flew over my head in Rocky-like victory. It was a solo celebration. No one else seemed as excited as I was.

At 10 p.m. last night, I found Liam’s summer reading book about St. Benedict; it has been missing all summer. Earlier this week, we borrowed a copy from a friend so Liam could be prepared for the first day of class; then an email from the teacher two days ago indicated that her students would actually use the book the first day for an assignment, aka: Liam needed his copy.

I extracted all contents of Liam’s cubby and dumped them into a laundry basket, dug through his crate in the living room, and fingered individual titles on his living room bookshelf. Desperate, I moved to Will’s book shelves. And there it was – on a bookshelf, of all places! The wrong shelf, but on a book shelf! Who is this Mom?

Similarly, Liam's other summer read, Little House in the Big Woods, appeared. From Liam’s crate. But this wasn’t as big a kudos as it wasn’t really lost, just internally misplaced as I had seen it within the last week. Unlike St. Benedict, who had disappeared like a modern miracle upon entering our enclave.

The jumbo book covers from last year dropped into the laundry basket when I scooped out Liam’s cubby. Sure that they were in the house, I had chosen not to repurchase these. But as I laid my hands on them, I remembered Liam’s science book from last year: The book cover was so tight, the front cover would suddenly spring open when the book was just sitting on the table. That took a little getting used to. So, I’m not sure these are really jumbo book covers. Nevertheless, I stuff them in the outside pocket of Liam’s backpack.

At 9:30 last night, I reminded Liam that he still needed to try on his black sneakers to make sure they fit. “You are doing that now? Shouldn’t that have been done this morning?” Bill suggested. I didn’t have the heart to tell him that the last 6 pages of the 12-page summer math packet and taken nearly six hours to complete that day.

At 10:15 last night, I remembered the first day of school was a Class A uniform day, formal uniform. I found the good black shoes in Liam’s closet and set them in his room for the next day. To complete this uniform, we just needed a belt – which had also fallen out of the cubby! Ahh… when the stars are in alignment!

As Liam went to bed, I asked him to get dressed when he woke up – before he came down stairs. He did! After explaining that it was a Class A day, I sent him back up for the black dress shoes. They fit. He came down with white socks on and his shirt tucked in. Black socks, please.

Seeing summer boys transform to school boys warms my heart. They look so good in tidy, new clothes. That match. That aren’t stained. That aren't ripped. That aren't too short.

When we pulled up to Liam’s school, he saw a friend being dropped off. “Hi, Michael! Wait for me!” And our last words were, “Could you close the door for me, Mom?” Followed by my nearly unheard, “Have fun!”

I watched as he walked into school with his buddy. They were 5th graders now. And all of them were dressed in the 5th grade Class A shirt, tie, and pants. Except for Liam. Still, he was near perfection in his 4th grade Class A polo shirt, shorts, and black shoes.

As for Will, he and I had a mature heart to heart over the weekend. He is nearly 13 and started 8th grade yesterday. While I had been nudging his independence, I verbally turned the reins over to him, and in just two days, he has stepped up to the challenge. Preparing for school every day – from showering and picking up the bathroom to brushing teeth and getting breakfast – is up to him, and he needs to plan for getting up in time to do what he needs to do.

No longer will I say, “Brush your teeth.” Just know that the consequence of not brushing is dentures at the age of 50. No longer will I say, “Pick up the bathroom.” Know that your future partner will not like this habit. No longer will I pound on my bedroom floor at 11 p.m. as a signal for him to get to bed. No longer will I suggest when he does his homework.

Life is changing. Kids are growing up. And, honestly, I don’t have the brain power to micro-manage more than one child to near perfection, for Linda Malcolm, the writer,  is knocking at the door.

Happy Hump Day!

My Hands are on the Steering Wheel, not the Keyboard

My hands are on the steering wheel not the keyboard. The summer swirls around us, doesn't it? Now, as we head into the dog days of summer, I'm heading off the grid for most of the month. Research for fall. Living in the moment. Making summer moments.

Driving to summer happenings, I'm Miss Frizzle to one young friend when I drive the Magic School Bus, aka: the van with automatic doors and a DVD player and an abundance of friends riding along. And soon, I'll be the Midwest aunt shuttling cousins here and there. These escapades send me headlong into the present. A place where we should all spend a little more time with a lot less worry.

So, I leave here to go be. And while I'm being, the dining room table and the laundry room, together with the piles throughout the house from attempted, intermittent, interrupted sorts, will need to wait for a few more weeks. The crab grass in the flower gardens will continue to add to the greenery around the house. The groundhog's salad bar is open until I find bulk cayenne pepper at the end of the month.

In the coming days, I'll be sorting water balloons, beach towels, and campfires with family and friends. I'll take a pen and paper, but if August follows suit of June and July, my hands will remain on the wheel or the rudder.

Titles for the work of fall, when my tools shift from wheel to keyboard, are already surfacing:

"Growing Up Together 1,000 Miles Apart" "Watching an Iowa Boy Surf" "A Trip to the Emergency Room" (Not to worry, this is a humorous story and no one was injured.) "The Real England: Eton Mess" "How to Break Into a Canal Boat" "A Salad Bar Fit for a Groundhog"

I hope your summer stories are also building. I've left a pile of mine for you, in case your reading material is slim. Check out "About Linda Malcolm" for a few favorites.

Linda Malcolm, over and out.

Happy Hump Day.

 

 

Henna

Unexpected small things. The tiniest juxtapositions. They feed my soul. And inspire Hump Day Shorts.

Saturday I went to my local farmer’s market. Despite the 95-degree humid morning. Even if I don’t need cheese, corn, or fish, I go. I find cheese, corn, and zucchini. But no fish this Saturday. The people at the market are there by choice – vendors and shoppers. Present by choice makes for a light-hearted, friendly atmosphere. In the middle of this little buzzing commerce, I saw a girl sitting across from a woman. They were close together, and I thought it was probably a face painting stand. Moving in to see the artwork, I saw the woman was drawing a henna design on the little girl’s foot.

While I don’t have a bucket list on paper, having a henna design on my hand is something that often rumbles in the back of my head. I haven’t searched out a henna artist; rather she just appeared on this hot sticky morning. And even though this was intended to be a quick corn and zucchini stop, I sat down and ordered my design.

My henna artist grew up in India. She kind of chuckled when I asked how she learned to do this. It would seem while a little girl growing up in Iowa makes great mud pies from the rain and good, black Iowa dirt, a little girl in India creates henna paste from plants that grow in her backyard. Henna powder, lemon juice, sugar, and eucalyptus oil create the paste used to make these temporary tattoos. Henna design is a finer art than that of globbing mud bowls together.

In ten minutes, I walked away with a piece of art on the back of my hand. And little bits of knowledge about this person and her culture. I love Indian food; she still cooks Indian food every day. She makes her own cheese for sag paneer -- spinach with cheese, and she suggested a new Indian restaurant for me to try. As a follower of Jainism, she is a vegetarian, and the mainstay of her religious beliefs is the honoring of all life, plus absolute peace. Quite contrary to my growing up on a farm where our livelihood relied fair and square on the animals we raised to eat. Absolute peace. Did she fight with her brothers and sisters? I wondered but didn't ask. She was she and I am me.

Honestly, I never go to the market just for vegetables.

Narrow Boat Navigation through Stratford Canal Bridges & Locks

Boats with rudders are steered from the stern of the boat, from the back end. Instead of a steering wheel like we had while sailing with friends 20 years ago in the Caribbean and in the Greek Ionian islands, our narrow boat on the Stratford Canal in England had a three-foot horizontal piece of wood, about waist high to me, pointing toward the bow of the boat. With the steering wheel, the boat went the way you turned the wheel. Not so with the narrow boat. I haven’t researched the rudder to understand the logistics of what’s happening underwater. I just tried to remember as best as I could this if-then statement for the canals: If, for instance, the boat is heading toward the right-hand side bank, then you push the rudder hard in that direction so as not to crash into the bank. I thought this would be the toughest lesson. It wasn’t. Thinking in reverse while steering kicked in pretty quickly.

When we took possession of the “Teddington,” the engineers gave us a walk-through of the boat – focusing largely on the interior. How to flush the toilet. How to make sure the motor runs 5 hours a day so the battery has enough power to keep lights on at night. And to operate the pump that helps flush the toilet. How to fill the water tank with water every day. So there is always enough water to flush the toilet.

As far as traveling, our top speed would be about 4 mph – only the pace of a fast walk. When we come to a lock, we were to slow down and give ourselves time to line the boat up with the opening. With a beautiful English accent, this grandfatherly gentleman smoothly explained how to best navigate into the locks: “Look up the gunnels on one side of the boat and keep that side about an inch-and-a-half way from the wall. If you do this, you don’t have to worry about having enough space on the other side to clear the wall. You’ll be fine.”

That was so straight forward I nearly laughed. Actually, I think we may have started to laugh but then realized he was dead serious. And this was his best advice to us: From the back of a 48-foot boat, using a rudder to steer, stay one-and-a-half inches from the side of the lock. Our boat measured 6’10” wide. Once in the locks, we had about three or four inches between us and either wall.

I was determined to man all aspects of this journey, including captaining the boat, steering down the canal, and operating the locks. I took the rudder the first day, within the first hour. I felt if I didn’t do it soon, I would lose courage altogether. Hence, this action shot in my new red rain coat.

I don’t recall the details of this particular event. Yes, I might have bumped a wall. Yes, it might have been a bit loud. Perhaps this is the one in which I yelled, "Bill, what do I do?" And he replied, "I don't know! You're the captain!"

My maneuvering techniques through bridges and into locks were sometimes noisy ones, but I maneuvered many of them as perfectly as Dad backing a tractor hitch to within an inch of the hole in a wagon tongue.

Back on solid ground, what I remember most is that the bridges and locks were forgiving. Once in the vicinity of the entrance, a little gas – and perhaps a little scraping – would result in perfection. Eventually.

Happy Hump Day.

The Red Rain Coat

I’m heading off the grid for a couple weeks. And taking the family with me. The three of them will probably find a way to stay connected to the dish in the sky, but I’m going to do my best to remain unplugged. Last Sunday, I went Amazon shopping for travel gear. All four of us need rain coats and rain pants. And rain boots. Or, Wellies, as they are called in Bill’s home country. We will be with Bill’s family hiking in Wales for five days next week; then the following week, the four of us will be living on a small narrowboat on the canals near Stratford-on-Avon. (Think basic RV stretched out to 48 feet.) Bill is grimacing: We’ve planned two weeks of outdoor summer vacations in the UK. Hence, the rain gear.

I’ll turn 50 on the narrowboat. When I planned the trip in March, I envisioned sky blue days, sitting on the aft or fore decks, floating down the canal. Hopping out of the boat at the locks to hand crank the gates open. Pushing the gates open to let the boat pass after the water is equal levels on either side of the gate. My American husband, born in the English gloom, has painted the very real potential of gray skies, four of us cramped inside a little boat, tied up on the side of the canal in a downpour, hands slipping on the cranks, and rubber Wellies skidding in the mud as we try to push the gates open.

Even if it is pouring with rain, I will be as dry and bright as can be.

So will Bill. I bought yellow for him. The only option for the boys’ high quality rain-gear, with a week advance notice, was black.

It will be a memorable 50th birthday, and there will certainly be story-worthy moments.

Hoping to fill the story hopper before I go, with a little advance planning and a little magical help of the internet.

Because I am going off the grid.

Happy Hump Day.

The Circus after the Circus

For Bill’s Father’s Day treat, we took him to the Cirque du Soleil show, Kurios. It ended at 7:30 p.m., and we decided to stop at Uno’s on the way home. Uno’s is a family favorite: buttered pasta for Liam, Kraft mac’n’cheese for Will, and a Numero Uno for Bill and me. Actually, Uno’s is one of my favorites because everyone will eat there, so a second meal doesn’t need to be prepared at home after we have dinner out. We weren’t starving but definitely needed some real food to counter the over-priced, sugar-filled snacks we bought at the big top. Liam was a chatterbox throughout the show and a happy little soul afterwards. Piecing the day together, at the Uno’s table, I realized that he had had marshmallows for breakfast, skipped the sandwich I had made him for lunch, and dined on popcorn and a bag of gummy bears at the circus. And, he had just ordered a glass of Dr. Pepper.

We guessed that this was our waitress’ first day on the job. Bill ordered a tall beer and a small beer was delivered. The requested Parmesan cheese and red pepper flakes came as we were eating our second slice of pizza. Will’s fries didn’t make it onto the order. As we ate our food, we all drained our first round of drinks and asked for a second.

Liam picked up his second soda as he was telling a story. With his hands. The lid flew off the glass and the glass flew into the air covering Liam with sweet sticky cola. I pulled my feet closer to the wall: brand new sandals wouldn’t take that brown yuck very well. We sopped up what we could from Liam’s seat and clothes with four paper dinner napkins and eight cocktail napkins. Liam turned to me and said, “I think I handled that pretty well, Mom. I didn’t yell or anything.” Our waitress brought us more napkins and said she would be back with a mop. Five minutes later, she came back to mop the floor. “Where’s the glass, Mom?” We couldn’t find it. And we weren’t offered another.

Liam was hardly fazed by the incident and squatted rather than sit his bum in wet clothes for the rest of the meal. “My shorts are soaked, but my underwear is dry! Isn’t that weird, Mom?” And on he went with his story. I watched a very capable waitress approaching our table and wondered how long she had been waiting tables. How long does it take to learn how to wait tables? She carried herself with a confidence that our waitress lacked. I never have – never could – wait tables.

As this waitress’ tray of drinks passed the center line of our table, she wobbled, and a margarita dumped onto the back of Liam’s seat before shattering on the floor. A beer bottle had done a simple tip to horizontal and beer was jugging over the edge in a foamy beerfall. Three other drinks had toppled, their contents adding to the lake on the floor. Thankfully, the waitress remained upright. I watched the whole slow motion production with wide eyes and a near chortle. One of those situations: I-hope-you-are-OK-because-that-was-hilarious!

She didn’t miss a beat. “What!?! No “Wet Floor” sign?” and then she apologized profusely to all the tables in our area. Our waitress hadn’t marked the floor where Liam’s drink had spilled and where she had mopped. Liam, still squatting said, “Hmm, I smell apple cider, Mom!” I scooched him to the front of the seat and saw remnants of the margarita that had landed under him. It smelled like an apple margarita. With one cocktail napkin, I brushed the slush to the floor where it splashed into the lake of truly mixed drinks. While we waited for someone to clean it up, the family seated behind us, in the shallow flood, stood up to leave. The dad said, “Wow, you’ve had a bit of bad luck at your table! I think we’ll get out of here before the roof caves in!” Yes, we were that family.

Three tables were flooded in for five minutes before someone appeared with the mop. What is with the mop? Why can’t anyone find it and put it to use in good time? I glanced at Bill’s glass of beer. I needed to make a break for it, and his glass was still half full. And his last slice of pizza was half-eaten. As a mom, I’ve inhaled food for 12 years. I’m ready to leave a restaurant the moment I sit down. Bill has not adopted this guaranteed indigestion routine. We left the table with the check in hand, and we helped Liam and Will skim over the wet floor.

At the front, we were confronted by the manager when we tried to pay. “You need to give that to the wait staff! I can’t process it here!” Our alpha male bristled. “We are sitting in a lake of drinks and broken glass all over the floor. We haven’t seen our waitress for five minutes!” I pulled him away to the little wait staff cubby in the back corner where an apologetic waiter helped us pay the bill.

On the way to the car, Liam – in his highly sensory armed little body – said, “Mom, how am I going to get home?”

“Whatever you need to do, Liam, do it. Take your shorts and shirt off if you want to.”

“And my underwear?”

“Why don’t you leave those on,” I suggested as we got into the car. We waited for Liam to get situated, and we laughed at the episode inside the restaurant. We discussed Murphy’s law. Our episode was a bit like a Gumball episode on Cartoon Network.

On the road, Liam suggested, “Mom, please don’t go too fast or too slow. I don’t want to get pulled over by the police. My reputation would be ruined for life!” We laughed. Surely, we could explain why our son was sitting in his underwear in the back seat.

At home, I put the car in the garage. Walking to the house, I saw Liam covering his bum with his shorts and his front with his shirt. Dodging naked from shadow to shadow 20 yards to the back door. “Liam, you forgot your underwear in the car.” I thought I was pointing out the obvious.

Giggling, Liam confessed, “I didn’t wear underwear tonight!”

It all started with marshmallows for breakfast.

Happy Hump Day.

 

Big Boys

In a Creative Writing seminar some 25 years ago, the instructor gave all of us the first line of another author’s story, and we each had to write a short story using that sentence as the lead-off. I thought of this exercise after reading a Facebook post from one of my cousins last week, and I’m borrowing her first sentence: "What a week!"

Or is it two weeks operating at this velocity? Two concerts, two field days, one final big school project for Liam, three baseball games, a hitting practice at the baseball cages, Will’s gymnastics practices, Bill’s birthday, a Saturday spent detailing three cars, Will’s golf matches and practices. On the weekends, we still go at that pace with piano and trumpet lessons, birthday parties, baseball games, and golf matches. And all around us, I see a multitude of families operating at the same speed.

The speed of life has made it impossible to put a coherent story on paper. Feeling a bit calmer now, I see the tip of summer about to rise.

Malcolm emotions ran high over past couple weeks. Perhaps I should own that: Linda's emotions. Seeing the misery on Will’s face as he detailed the goldfish van. A consequence for a pre-teen misstep. Feeling the misery of having to deal out this consequence and thinking how much I hate seeing him this miserable. Then, thinking he’s _not_ supposed to be enjoying this!. Then wondering, who is feeling worse? And pretty sure, based on the physical exhaustion from the mental parenting, that it’s me.

This reminded me of when Will was two and had a febrile seizure. His lips turned blue; I thought I had lost him. I began giving him mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. And then at the hospital, realized he had been eating grapes at the time and was worried that I had blown a grape into his lung. Chest x-rays proved that had not happened. Two days later, he was happily playing fever-free. I was un-balanced and crying. The emotional stunning left me a wet noodle that spent the next few days just staring at him as he ate, played, and slept -- until a phone call from our adoption agency came a week after the seizure. Will had a little brother in Korea. And would we raise the two of them together? That final weep cleared the physical residue of thinking I had lost Will. I popped like a cork out of a physical sadness into gratefulness.

Today, I barely tilt my head to kiss Will’s forehead. This soon-to-be 8th grader has sprouted another inch-and-a-half since March. The two of us went shopping on our own this week for three pairs of longer shoes, a few pairs of longer shorts, and a couple longer golf shirts. Will's smile and willingness to shop conveyed more than words his gratitude for no longer being the smallest student at his school of 6th - 12th graders.

Will had a friend over Sunday night and as I listened to them chat, I turned away to smile. Both of their voices are deeper. When Liam was in the mix, the contrast of pitches was clear. When Will started 6th grade two years ago, he practiced this voice as he was surrounded by older kids in his class. Now, with that strong lower range, I’m asking him to speak up when we are in the van. And in the same breath, I’m asking Liam not to shriek in the van.

A few weeks ago, Will moved out of the bunk bed in the room he and Liam shared and into his own room. Liam graduated ecstatically to the top bunk where he crawls in bed by himself, and now, after just a quick pat and kiss from me, he goes to sleep. After years of sitting by Liam's bed until his eyes closed, this big boy moment that I thought would never come, appears. Curtly. Simply. Done.

The small children have left our house. As I changed sheets on Will’s bed Monday, this happened:

The 10-year-old pirate sheets served us well.

As my cousin closed her post, so I close this Hump Day Short:

"#exhausted #blessed"