Grandma, you are riding in the trunk.

During the five days of spring cleaning/purging/organizing while Liam had strep throat, I missed my hair color-adjustment appointment. I rescheduled for yesterday. After the adjustment and the blow-out, the stylist added the final touch to my new-do: hair spray. I do not own hair spray. With the forces of wind and sweat always nearby, it’s not practical for me. Squinching my eyes closed as she sprays away, I silently hope my eyelashes don’t get stuck together. The noise of the spray leaves me waiting for that astringent aerosol smell from the days of highly feathered sides. The early 80’s. But we are in a new century. And this spray is a natural combination of lavender, bergamot, palmarosa, and vetiver. No idea what most of those are, but I smell clean and crisp.

As I’m paying, a hostess entices me over to the Chakra demonstration area. I indulge in this experiment. I close my eyes and each time she touches my shoulder, I inhale from a bottle she is holding under my nose. I pick my favorite: Chakra #1 – Grounded. Balance. Energy. Security. Health. There is something familiar about this wisp of aroma under my nose. Barely there. If I spray this in the air, the aroma will help me stay grounded. Balanced. Energized. Secure. Healthy. “Can I use it as a body mist?” Of course. Well, who couldn’t use a little balance, right? I found the tester bottle and gave myself a couple good squirts.

Then, I couldn’t get away from myself.

“You, Grandma, are riding in the trunk on the way home!” Yes, I had just pulled a Grandma Murphy at the perfume counter in Younkers. I don’t remember if Grandma ever actually bought expensive perfume, but she could test the hell out of it walking through a department store. A spray on the inside of either wrist. The outside of either wrist. And on her neck for good measure. Five spots. And… five different perfumes. The ride back to the home place was a good 20 miles. Hence the threat of the trunk.

My head reeled. To the combination of lavender, bergamot, palmarosa, and vetiver, I had just added olibanum, organic patchouli and… more vetiver! Perhaps it was the double-dose of vetiver that sent me over the edge?

I couldn’t put myself in the trunk. I drive a mini-van. But I did drive 8 miles down the highway at 65 mph with the windows rolled down.

Completely unbalanced.

(Have you met Grandma Murphy yet?)